My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
🌱🌱🌱
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.