outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
#parenting
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.