Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Strange
