They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
🌱🌱🌱
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes