i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Eggnostic is when you donât know which came first, the chicken or the egg
đ€Łđ
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Can. I. Help. You.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than âdrinkingâ
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said âI suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?â
And I said, âThatâs a mirrorâ.
Which was nice.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.