People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
we’re gonna need another temp
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My whole life was a lie.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.