[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
