Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
