Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.