Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Finally, an explanation.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Attacked by a mop.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Every. Damn. Time.
#Caturday
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh