MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
we’re gonna need another temp
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My whole life was a lie.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.