Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all