Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Finally, an explanation.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Attacked by a mop.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Every. Damn. Time.
#Caturday
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for