“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?