I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Nothing.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack