#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
another case of gang violins
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”