When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
when you order from DoorDastardly
