This was a bad idea all around
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Granny said βalright now, if she fall thatβs it for meβ π
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
β i donβt like taylor swift β π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©π©
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
My wifeβs stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.