I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
No Google it does not
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.