Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
this got me crying😭😭
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.