People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.