You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Bless you
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
