when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
What my back needs
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!