I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.