I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store