I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
choose your fighter
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
smartest karate player in the world
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role