(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Terribly Tuesday.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?