Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Yup.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”