If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
So creative 😂
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
no cat here
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.