Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.