New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
How dude HOW?!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.