DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.