This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
