My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Its true…
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
The “baby” on the left….
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı