Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
prepare for carbonated trouble
Hotels are back
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
