There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Phonetics
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck