HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
this isn’t threatening at all
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Become a minion. Get that bread.
