More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.