coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
looks legit
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.