Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Bill is short for Billiam
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.