California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?