I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Gemma Correll
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight