Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around
My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.
I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.
3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
The phrase “herding cats” was definitely invented by a teacher who works with 5th/6th graders.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx
spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper
me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.
For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
Friend: OMG, someone wrote “Wash Me B*tch!” on your car!
Me: Oh, I wrote that as a reminder to myself.
Today I had a chocolate frosted doughnut without sprinkles…….. diets can be tough!!
Looks like it’s time to find a friend with benefits*
*backyard chickens
I miss having a cat. I used to refer to him as my roommate because it always made me laugh seeing peoples faces when I’d tell them my roommate pooped on the kitchen counter or my roommate keeps giving me dead birds.