We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If someone calls you fat, eat them.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep