@USMCSDI: BREAKING NEWS:

Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails

@TheBoydP: *scroll*

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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@Kendragarden: 1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

@flglmn: "africanized killer bees" are trending so it's a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

@80sjams: It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

@mommajessiec: Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

@rickolantern: The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with "I'm in the same boat."

@cremijeur:

@sonictyrant: [Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, it’s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@SketchesbyBoze: my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”