@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@CantWaitToNap

It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.

It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.

@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

@dave_cactus

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@PinkCamoTO

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

@pittdave13

Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…