@AllanForsyth
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
@Darlainky
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
@HomeWithPeanut
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
@OllyiConic
interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life
me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
@shash_____
Threaten a British person by holding a biscuit in a cup of tea until it breaks off whilst keeping eye contact.
@rudy_betrayed
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
@Turn2Dude
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
@AllanForsyth
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
@Quartzjixler
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
@schumoo
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.