@GinAndJif
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
@capnwatsisname
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
@XplodingUnicorn
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
@Social_Mime
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
@myqkaplan
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
@JerpsBerps
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
@suecorvette
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
@TweetPotato314
why is it called a ghost sighting and not a peek a boo
@DonnyMartell
STOP SENDING PEOPLE UNDER 35 THINGS TO PRINT AT HOME. WE DO NOT HAVE PRINTERS.
@TwinSurvivalist
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!