4: mama i love you

Me: awee I…

4: even though you look ugly

Me: …spoke too soon


Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.


There’s no time like the present.

Which is somewhat unfortunate.


Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…


Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.


The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.


me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]


I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes


Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]


me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)


Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”