ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
I have eaten
and cut open
I really thought
Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.