@chuuew
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
@ozzyunc
You can live a life without porpoise or you can get banned from the aquarium.
@sweetmomissa
I’ll take the “one kid kept me up til midnight gaming and another kid woke me up at 4am watching soccer” size coffee please.
@Cornjerker78
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
@clichedout
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
@Chhapiness
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
@Average_Dad1
We saw some fishermen down at the pier today and my toddler said “oh dad, look, they’re helping the fish out of the water! That’s so nice!”
@Erin1137
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
@karanbirtinna
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
@CynicalTherapi1
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?