@MomOnFire

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

@MelvinofYork

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

@IDontSpeakWhine

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

@PleaseBeGneiss

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

@roastmalone_

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

@SteveKoehler22

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

@notnotscotty

volcanologist: WE’VE GOTTA GO THIS ENTIRE AREA IS GONNA BE COVERED IN LAVA!

me [standing on a sofa]: I’m good

@DanMentos

if they lift the mask mandate my ventriloquism career is ruined

@Browtweaten

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically