Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@pixelatedboat: People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@DrakeGatsby: You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@junejuly12: ...in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew...

[Chapstick Season]

@NutttyV: According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

@ChicksRule: [Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is... is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

@markhoppus: Before a long flight I make sure I have at least two books, downloaded a Netflix series, Switch has games and is fully charged, so I can spend the entire flight blankly watching another passenger’s screen.

@mrjohndarby: [phone call]
me: son, your mother's in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

@3sunzzz: My husband pissed me off so when he wasn't looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He's been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@RbenzHF: My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

@jonnysun: boss: do you know why i've called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you-- wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you've been embezzling corporate funds