Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@callmeEvian

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

@McClaneJohn2

People who yawn with no volume control scare the shit out of me.

@sannewman

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

@GlennyRodge

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

@Smethanie

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

@mommajessiec

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

@moonstruckinnyc

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

@AllanForsyth

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

@callmeEvian

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’