@chuuew

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

@ozzyunc

You can live a life without porpoise or you can get banned from the aquarium.

@sweetmomissa

I’ll take the “one kid kept me up til midnight gaming and another kid woke me up at 4am watching soccer” size coffee please.

@Cornjerker78

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

@clichedout

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

@Chhapiness

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

@Average_Dad1

We saw some fishermen down at the pier today and my toddler said “oh dad, look, they’re helping the fish out of the water! That’s so nice!”

@Erin1137

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

@karanbirtinna

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

@CynicalTherapi1

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?