@allyneedy My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed
@CheeseDaydreams My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
@CantWaitToNap It’s Saturday and over 10 boxes just got delivered.
It’s like Amazon wants me to get a divorce.
@curlycomedy Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
@TuSoonShakur [sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
@dave_cactus Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
@Eightinchgoat Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
@PinkCamoTO The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
@pittdave13 Heard in Toy Story 5 the toys meet Andy’s Mom’s new toy.
Suddenly the song You’ve Got A Friend In Me has a whole new meaning…
@Jake_Vig A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.