@tesselatrix

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

@LetMeStart

39: I’m sure my 40s will be fine!
40: See? I’m fine!
41: Still doing fine!
42: [Need various organs removed, 27 new foods cause heartburn, facial tectonic plate movement reveals wrinkles overnight, left knee now predicts rain, can no longer read without glasses, dairy hates you]

@farouq_yahaya

Mentos should print little messages on their mints like “you’re awesome” or “looking great” and call them Complimentos.

@ACartoonCat

Me: *singing full volume* A B C D…ok cool

Me: A B C D E F G H I…ok cool

Me: A B C…ok cool

Librarian: For the love of God please stop.

(Me trying to find a Charles Dickens book at the library)

@I_am_carbs

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

@go_oat

I can’t stop laughing about this LinkedIn description of going to prison