The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.


I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”


Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀


#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.


Met this nice teacher in the breakroom today, says she teaches at the school downstairs. Kinda reminds me of my wife. Not sure why she’s dressed in pajamas at school though, but I won’t judge.


Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses


This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.


whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country