@byrdie_num_num
We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.
@LeslieDonnelly2
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
@not_delicate
Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?
@ShortSleeveSuit
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
@youvebeenskold
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
@Havish_AF
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
@therealJJCOOLL
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
@WeedlordKrillin
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
@KaylaChowShow
If someone calls you fat, eat them.
@humanaaron
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep