@SirEviscerate ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
@PopeAwesomeXIII The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
@JimmerThatisAll The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
@farouq_yahaya Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
@WetMascara Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
@momtransparent1 When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
@Jamberee13 I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
@VisionBored1 Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that
Husband:
@bartandsoul If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
@momtransparent1 If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.