@hermanntrude: It's called quiche because "egg pie" sounds like something you'd look up on urban dictionary.
@TweetPotato314: me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
@funflaps: Guitar dude: here's wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here's blunderwall
Pirate dude: here's plunderwall
Thor dude: here's thunderwall
Store dude: here's refunderwall
Escaping dude: here's underwall
Blue dude: here's undertheweatherwall
@MarfSalvador: [repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
@CaucasianJames: u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
@: There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it's your feet that smell.
@turtledumplin: My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I'm in the bathroom with the door shut.