@BoogTweets: Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@mommajessiec: I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

@afiercemind: Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

@IamJackBoot: Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven't ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No... it has two cameras.

@InternetHippo: "This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades" big deal buddy that's what I'm doing too

@TheAlexNevil: Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

@insanelynormal1: Don’t allow people to drive you crazy if there is a liquor store in walking distance.

@sophielou: [Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

@heyitsJudeD: Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we'll let the judge decide, eh?

@andlikelaura: [harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow