I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?


My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea


If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’


Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?


If bees have to die after they sting you, then at the very least I hope mosquitoes get hangovers that make them feel like death after they bite drunk people.


Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*


Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y


carnival employee: how many marbles—

me: *eats all the marbles*

carnival employee: —are in this jar

me [confidently]: zero

carnival employee:


carnival employee:

me: you meant jellybeans, right?


My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.