@catccohen: me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
@seancehat: [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
@ItsAndyRyan: I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
@Skoog: [devil's first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
@cavaticat: ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
@madee_kha: do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
@fro_vo: Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
@stewteee: Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they'd have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!