@AllanForsyth

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

@Darlainky

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

@HomeWithPeanut

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life

me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@shash_____

Threaten a British person by holding a biscuit in a cup of tea until it breaks off whilst keeping eye contact.

@Turn2Dude

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

@AllanForsyth

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

@Quartzjixler

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

@schumoo

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.