Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Customer: We are never coming back!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.
( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
volcanologist: WE’VE GOTTA GO THIS ENTIRE AREA IS GONNA BE COVERED IN LAVA!
me [standing on a sofa]: I’m good
if they lift the mask mandate my ventriloquism career is ruined
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically