@JannaKillHimNik
4: mama i love you
Me: awee I…
4: even though you look ugly
Me: …spoke too soon
@reccastle
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
@DaddyJew
There’s no time like the present.
Which is somewhat unfortunate.
@Shade510
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
@mack44_d
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
@GrantTanaka
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
@LuvPug
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
@itmegreggy
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
@OrdinaryAlso
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
@batkaren
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”