@LizerReal

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

@HighTh0ughtss

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

@as1z_

Plssss a lady on the train was getting her little girl to behave & assuming I didn’t understand Urdu said ‘stop it or that man will take you away forever’ ??? I then replied back in Urdu ‘no I won’t beti act as crazy as you want’ bc??? 😭 the mum couldn’t look at me after that 💀

@LemonMombley

My 13 year old cousin asked my boyfriend (who’s a teacher) how he “sleeps at night knowing he’s given people homework”

@Cornjerker78

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

@IamJackBoot

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

@EyalTweet

Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.