Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@fro_vo: me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

@QTPiK8: Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

@meowkenxing: the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@SvnSxty: Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

@meghaffer: I'd love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it's a bad idea and I always listen to her

@herprettybones: I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@FredTaming: god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza :)

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza :D

god: but

earth: i'll be treated so good forever and ever :')

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

@AndyJokedAgain: YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

@jellybnbonanza: My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.