Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.


[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*


Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that


interviewer: what can you tell me about the last two years of your life

me: just that i hope they haven’t started yet


Threaten a British person by holding a biscuit in a cup of tea until it breaks off whilst keeping eye contact.


Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.


I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.


Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!


A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.