Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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@catccohen: me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@seancehat: [first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@ItsAndyRyan: I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

@Skoog: [devil's first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@cavaticat: ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@madee_kha: do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

@LowIifee: I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@: I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@fro_vo: Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@stewteee: Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they'd have body image issues?



Her: Can I have my money back please?!