@JoshuaTurek

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

@lovejulieacafe

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

@sweetmomissa

X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend

@Jason_Horton

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

@rn_murse

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

@stayathomies

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

@bartandsoul

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

@AndLookPretty

My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.