@JannaKillHimNik

4: mama i love you

Me: awee I…

4: even though you look ugly

Me: …spoke too soon

@reccastle

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

@DaddyJew

There’s no time like the present.

Which is somewhat unfortunate.

@Shade510

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

@mack44_d

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

@GrantTanaka

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

@LuvPug

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

@itmegreggy

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

@OrdinaryAlso

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

@batkaren

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”