We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.


Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation


Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?


[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems


So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.


Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..

…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word


what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep