@tesselatrix
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
@LetMeStart
39: I’m sure my 40s will be fine!
40: See? I’m fine!
41: Still doing fine!
42: [Need various organs removed, 27 new foods cause heartburn, facial tectonic plate movement reveals wrinkles overnight, left knee now predicts rain, can no longer read without glasses, dairy hates you]
@farouq_yahaya
Mentos should print little messages on their mints like “you’re awesome” or “looking great” and call them Complimentos.
@ACartoonCat
Me: *singing full volume* A B C D…ok cool
Me: A B C D E F G H I…ok cool
Me: A B C…ok cool
Librarian: For the love of God please stop.
(Me trying to find a Charles Dickens book at the library)
@I_am_carbs
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
@UncleDuke1969
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
@hellabrunette
But have you tried eating some mashed potatoes and gravy about it?
@go_oat
I can’t stop laughing about this LinkedIn description of going to prison
@CrockettForReal
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
@Draculasswife
The Others (2001)
