DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles


You can live a life without porpoise or you can get banned from the aquarium.


I’ll take the “one kid kept me up til midnight gaming and another kid woke me up at 4am watching soccer” size coffee please.


Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”


before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life


The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor


We saw some fishermen down at the pier today and my toddler said “oh dad, look, they’re helping the fish out of the water! That’s so nice!”


I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street


Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..


Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?