When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.


People who yawn with no volume control scare the shit out of me.


Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder


MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?


my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship


I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.


For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.


I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.


Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’