@JoshuaTurek
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
@lovejulieacafe
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
@sweetmomissa
X-Rays are like regular Rays but they slept with your best friend
@Jason_Horton
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
@rn_murse
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
@stayathomies
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
@ozzyunc
So, like, how married are you?
@bartandsoul
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
@TheAndrewNadeau
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
@AndLookPretty
My child just added a sneaker to her Christmas list that cost $975. Someone please pray for her homeless soul.