We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.
me: ask them who their CEO is
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?