Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
The Eggorcist
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician