I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you