Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creative Problem Solving

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1856241821325664256/pu/vid/avc1/576x1024/vC1GHpHVV4NI0zZ2.mp4?tag=12

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.