Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy