Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
Jus’ sayin. 😐
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
