if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Oddly specific
