Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem